Saturday, July 4, 2009

Firecracker, firecracker

Saturday, July 4, 2009
I realized that my romantic life can be summed up by a thought that occurred to me a couple of years ago, sitting on my back porch, listening to the neighbors light Christmas/New Year's fireworks..."I can hear the firecrackers, but I can't see them..."

I'm tired of being able to hear the fireworks, but never see them. Tired of lighting them for other people and watching them chasing them off into the dark.

I wish some one would light me a Chinese lantern and watch it burn with me.

Grandaddy used to light me Chinese lanterns off the dock in his backyard when I was a kid. When they were done sparking and started burning, they'd fall into the river...which always pissed off the fish that swam up to the surface because of they were attracted to the lights.

There are people who fish that way, you know.

For some reason, that reminds me of one of the times I ran away. I ended up in this hotel in New York...we were out on the balcony, having a few drinks...and when they passed the...well, I'm not telling you what it was...I didn't decline. Anyway, we were really stupid, so no one stayed sober enough to babysit. Ryan always took it easy, though, so he came back to himself first.
And I was gone. They all freaked the fuck out, too. My clothes were still in the hotel room. Where was I going to go in a wife beater, Spiderman underoos, and my knee socks from soccer? They looked EVERYWHERE...
Anyway, fast forward about a half hour, and they find me on the roof, smoking a cigarette. They're all freaked because I was sitting on the edge, I guess they thought I was gonna jump. And while I was, indeed, suicidal on and off during that period of my life, that's not why I was up there...I just wanted to see the sunrise. It was so beautiful...watching the city lights go out one by one, and then the horizon turned grey...and then purple...and then pink, orange...the stars faded out so slowly.

I smoked my last Newport and watched the sunrise a couple of months ago...made me sad for some reason. All I have are Canadian cigs now.

You guys...I miss my kids. Somehow, this whole entry is partly about that. It's about other stuff, too, but...
I don't know.

Light me a sparkler?

'Night, kids.

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