For now we see through a glass, darkly...ourselves.

I have become disgusted with the idea of Saint John society, people-wise.
I meant, look at it logically: I know of 2 girls who are considered "nice girls"...and they fuck everything that holds still long enough! I mean sure, they might be nice to talk to or hang out with (which they're not, BTW, they're horribly rude, self-centered, and just generally vindictive); but they were referred to as nice girls by a person I shall refer to as Cumstain in comparison to me, who apparently has "tarnished my reputation beyond repair because I keep picking apples from the same shitty tree. First [The Ex] and now [The Joke]."
Now, I'm surprised by this. On the one hand, girl A (who will be henceforth referred to as Emergency Stop (I'll tell you the story behind that at the end of this post) has had sex with no less than 14 of my male friends. Count 'em. But Cumstain still said "I think [Emergency Stop]'s cute, she's a good girl. Not like you come off..." On the other, girl B (her code name will be...The Noisy Crab; once again, story will be forthcoming shortly) is known for being dumber than a box of hammers, monumentally unfaithful, and for contracting curable but disgusting venereal diseases. Once again, Cumstain referred to The Noisy Crab as "cute," and implied that she was well-spoken, even poetic, which is ridiculous, because I've heard her speak and I'm not even sure she knows what a consonant is, much less a metaphor. Strangely, I never saw Emergency stop out with The Ex again. They might have been sitting in the same group, but they weren't together. She followed me around town for a while, going to bars and shows she knew I'd attend, but apparently gave up whatever she was going for after a couple of weeks.

I must admit, I have a special dislike for The Noisy Crab. The first time I met her, she took one look at me, The Ex (who was standing not too far away, trying to make me feel uncomfortable), and TFWM (The Fling Who is Missed) and her eyes narrowed, her nostrils flared...she then proceeded to flirt shamelessly with them...BOTH of them. Boobs ON them. She went home with The Ex that night, as Cumstain made sure to tell me the next day, and I at least LEFT with TFWM. I saw her not long after at some party, and she STARED at me the whole time, while whispering and pointing at me, puking whatever she thought she knew about me in the ears of her little "posse." I stopped running into her not long after, but I know several people who've known her since childhood, and none of them have anything good to say about her.

The point of all this swill was to make the point that the above 2 specimens are considered nicer and less slutty than yours truly.
Given, the only people who have referred to me as slutty are males I've refused to sleep with and females who don't like me hanging out with their males. But while the males defend these 2 cum receptacles, as expected, the females don't attack them like they do me. They befriend them. *shakes head*

I'm not sure this is the social scene I want to join if these are their standards.
Like a friend recently told me: "If you've been interacting with the likes of and especially [The Noisy Crab], you're running in the wrong circles."

One other thing bothers me about Cumstain's comments...and I leave it to my, like, 3 readers to answer the question and refer others to answer, so I can get a concensus.
An almost direct quote (grammar and spelling have been cleaned up considerably):
"Sure, you might be good, but [The Ex] is cute, and funny. For the shallower girls, he's got money. He can have a different girl every night, and does. For a guy, it doesn't matter if it's good, as long as he comes it's awesome. It's all about variety. And really, what guy would give up THAT much variety for a girl like you?"

---------------

Okay, the story behind Emergency Stop's code name:
My buddy Dutch Oven is one of the 14 males of my acquaintance to have had her. By his description, she doesn't even MAINTAIN her pubic hair, which gives her an vag-fro. The combination of the vag-fro and how completely AWFUL she was caused Dutch Oven to have to STOP THE SEX. Yes, folks, this male STOPPED HAVING SEX without his life or sexual health being threatened. She was THAT BAD.
Holy crap.

The Noisy Crab, on the other hand...well...
The noisy part is obviously. The bitch yells everything.
She was living with some friends of her brother, and they were hangin' around, havin' a drink, playin' some XBox or whatever. Relaxin' with no g's.
Anyway, she comes mincing in, and says "Can I tell you guys something?"
As one, they answer "NO!"
She replies "But you guys are my friends, I feel like I can talk to you."
"No, you can't! We don't listen!"
"But I know I can trust you guys to keep a secret."
"No, we'll tell everyone! EVERYONE!" (Which they did, obviously.)
She goes on to say: "I just wanted to say, I fucked this guy the other night, and I think he gave me crabs. I've been itching."
Who tells people that???

Tracing me with pretty fingers

I woke up in the middle of the night to scratch this out...I'm not sure if a dream or just recent events have spawned it, but well...here goes...

Everyday you put the lie to everything you say, even the untruths

Don't play dice with me, but I guess it's 6s and 7s tonight

You maintain a little less than your customary 3 feet of distance

I hope one day you know how bad you hould have wanted me, not because I want your regret

I'll probably still be here, not waiting, but here

Even if you just never find some one who moves like I do

I hope it's something else, but I suppose that'll have to do

True hate only comes from real love or real friendship

But all I hate is me

And truly being yours when you don't even want me

Never has science fiction seemed such a welcome escape

Parallel universes born out of different choices made

But it's only a dream

You even dream of me, or so you say

Staring out progressive windows at me

I should have let it be, left myself

Forever driving away in your memory

Instead I played the toy

Desperately wanting to be yours

Hurt me so I can feel better

Cunt

Firecracker, firecracker

I realized that my romantic life can be summed up by a thought that occurred to me a couple of years ago, sitting on my back porch, listening to the neighbors light Christmas/New Year's fireworks..."I can hear the firecrackers, but I can't see them..."

I'm tired of being able to hear the fireworks, but never see them. Tired of lighting them for other people and watching them chasing them off into the dark.

I wish some one would light me a Chinese lantern and watch it burn with me.

Grandaddy used to light me Chinese lanterns off the dock in his backyard when I was a kid. When they were done sparking and started burning, they'd fall into the river...which always pissed off the fish that swam up to the surface because of they were attracted to the lights.

There are people who fish that way, you know.

For some reason, that reminds me of one of the times I ran away. I ended up in this hotel in New York...we were out on the balcony, having a few drinks...and when they passed the...well, I'm not telling you what it was...I didn't decline. Anyway, we were really stupid, so no one stayed sober enough to babysit. Ryan always took it easy, though, so he came back to himself first.
And I was gone. They all freaked the fuck out, too. My clothes were still in the hotel room. Where was I going to go in a wife beater, Spiderman underoos, and my knee socks from soccer? They looked EVERYWHERE...
Anyway, fast forward about a half hour, and they find me on the roof, smoking a cigarette. They're all freaked because I was sitting on the edge, I guess they thought I was gonna jump. And while I was, indeed, suicidal on and off during that period of my life, that's not why I was up there...I just wanted to see the sunrise. It was so beautiful...watching the city lights go out one by one, and then the horizon turned grey...and then purple...and then pink, orange...the stars faded out so slowly.

I smoked my last Newport and watched the sunrise a couple of months ago...made me sad for some reason. All I have are Canadian cigs now.

You guys...I miss my kids. Somehow, this whole entry is partly about that. It's about other stuff, too, but...
I don't know.

Light me a sparkler?

'Night, kids.

Look at your face like you're killed in a dream...

Theres a letter on the desktop
That I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to
In our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever
From the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons
Shadowing my dreams

And the mississippis mighty
But it starts in minnesota
At a place that you could walk across
With five steps down
And I guess thats how you started
Like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me
And I start to drown

And theres not enough room
In this world for my pain
Signals cross and love gets lost
And time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits
I need you the most
Im in love with your ghost
Im in love with your ghost

Dark and dangerous like a secret
That gets whispered in a hush
(dont tell a soul)
When I wake the things I dreamt about you
Last night make me blush
(dont tell a soul)
And you kiss me like a lover
Then you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river
Play your memory like a piper

And I feel it like a sickness
How this love is killing me
Id walk into the fingers
Of your fire willingly
And dance the edge of sanity
Ive never been this close
Im in love with your ghost

Unknowing captor
You never know how much you
Pierce my spirit
But I cant touch you
Can you hear it
A cry to be free
Oh Im forever under lock and key
As you pass through me

Now I see your face before me
I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my island
As the sand beneath me slips
As I burn up in your presence
And I know now how it feels
To be weakened like achilles
With you always at my heels

This bitter pill I swallow
Is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I cant swim free
The river is too deep
Though Im baptized by your touch
I am no worse than most
In love with your ghost

You are shadowing my dreams
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)

Is the moon as big from your window? Or is it covered in fog, as it often is there?
Do you still think I'm beautiful? Did you ever think it in the first place?

I was finally happy. And you took it away. I wish that you'd never given it to me in the first place...if you were just going to take it away.